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"Do you commingle or do you maintain your identity"

Perfect connotation for today. "Co-" is a prefix that means to join or be together and "mingle" which means to mix together. The topic of discussion with one of my mentors today led to this concept of "co-mingling", come to find out it is a real term, in science. The daily grind and routine of my life, leaves little room for commingling. Honestly, I have no motivation to commingle. I like being single. There are benefits of having someone to rely on and lean on for support, but finding someone who can bring some meat to the table that I serve, I fear will prove to be a great challenge. When I say, "bring meat to the table", this is a metaphor-I mean bring some meaningful conversation to my table, to my life. I do not wear a feminist crest, nor do I think that I do not need a man in my life. I have just become too independent to rely on a man, because it has always eventually led to disappointment. My brain is thirsty, sometimes my heart and soul yearns for a drink. This kind of commingling will not be found in the bar or nightclub, but I am afraid I will not find this in my chicken coop either, just a bunch of cocks trying to rule the roost in there too. Do I want a God fearing man (I can hear my Worth (yes this is my friends name, if you know her-you know her worth <3), in my head, well of course, but bare with me in my walk, because I stumble. I went to church last summer, for my children and their post-camp service. I take my children to church, they know and love Jesus, no judgment here, I just struggle in my relationship with the "church", not Jesus or his Father, but that is a story to be told as it unfolds.

The monotony of our daily lives define who we are and give us a sense of independence and identity. To choose to commingle, each must relinquish a part of their identity in order to blend together, or the solution will be oil and water - separated suspensions. To create a harmonious blend of each other's lives, each must sacrifice-a fire must be ignited. And do you want to know what I think? I am almost forty years old, and I am just figuring out who I am-for maybe the third time in my life I think I know who I am. Who I want to be, learning how to stand up for myself and others in ways more profound than in my 20's or 30's. I feel like I am doing my own life review. Flowing through Erikson's stages of development and I'm having issues with trust vs. mistrust. Because life happens, choices are made and consequences result. And we are on repeat, until we are able to build a sustainable future. And imagine if your plans don't work out? What if your well defined idea of how your life should play out squashes you like a bug and you get didley squat accomplished? What do you do then?

You put your pants on one leg at a time, roll up those sleeves and get to grinding. No one is going to hand you shit. You gotta work your butt off, you gotta make new plans and goals, and you have to be deliberate in your actions. You make sacrifices, you find out who has your back and who you wasted time on. You invest in yourself and your children, and you do whatever you have to do - to not only survive, but succeed. You stop treading water and you propel yourself forward. And after all that struggle, after holding your breath and praying on your knees, you open your eyes and start trying to learn how to relax. Well, that's me, that's where I am.

I can handle some stress, let me tell you. I can handle the most heaviest load, so that others can keep treading water. One thing that I have recently realized, I do not handle patronization well, or being talked down to in a demeaning way. Not that I did prior to much of my life experience, but I have learned how to manage situations more professionally now. When I recognize those actions from others (more like fight or flight instincts kick in and I go straight to survival mode), I have this weird ability to absolutely cut my emotional tie with the antagonist and not give two flying geese about it tomorrow. I say that with strength and courage, but I do acknowledge there are always consequences of my reactions. Even if it is for my own good health, it will leave me stressing about what price I will pay for being so "strong-willed". The eggshells that I stomp on may in fact pierce my foot one day, but I will still hold my head high.

On an endnote, I'm glad that I am single, that I am a mother to the Queen Bee's, and that influential women and men alike have been apart of our lives. We were raised right, we earned our crowns, we are the Queen Bees. One day I may find someone to commingle with who blends well with my fire and can dance. There's nothing I can't conquer, so challenge accepted. I will hold on to my pride and independence until then, and raise daughters who light up the world.

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